At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This toilet bowl is my home.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
