Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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