my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
