My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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