i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
