Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize