Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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