i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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