She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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