What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
