woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
