I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
