i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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