i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
