He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
