Is it normal to miss your booty call?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
