I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
