and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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