I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
