My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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