i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
