Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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