K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It's Friday. Sex?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
