tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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