What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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