My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
