Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
