so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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