its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
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We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
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the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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