i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
