If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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