I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
