Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
