There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
