dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
