I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
