How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
