My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
