i jhust puked up my retainher.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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