Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
