i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
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You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
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you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.