Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
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I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
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Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.