1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
