He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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