You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
