you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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