I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
