dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
