Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
