new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
