It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
