I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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