M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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