i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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