So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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