Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
