Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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