theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
