I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
