hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
