I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
