Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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