Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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